Part of the List

I'm raw with emotion, and this will probably be my most vulnerable post, but so be it. I indulged in a long latenight skype conversation with one of my closest guy friends lastnight, and not long after, the conversation legged it in the direction of aesthetic appeal and individual taste. For those who are staring blankly at the screen wondering what in the devil's name I could be on about...he brought up the fact that he & some other guy friends of mine, were discussing which one of the girls in Uni they found the hottest...and that alone, was enough to send me on a wild train to Nostalgia-Ville. Trust me, the journey was not one I'd like to relive....but here goes.
 Jacket : Boutique (Croydon) | Gap Shirt & High-waist jeans : Thrift Store (London)
This is the tale of the day that changed my life. There I was, standing in the corridor of my high-school one of many lunchtimes, enduring the mindless banter and snide comments thrown by the popular guys towards undeserving victims. Bored stiff, the guys then cast their attention to the group of girls across the hall from them (of which I was one), who cleverly (or not-so-intelligently, if you ask me) positioned themselves there to catch the guys' attention with an air of possession/  sense of belonging. The guys continued the game that had swept my year by storm, which was to rate the girls. Except, this time, they decided to rate 'us' in order i.e. from first to last, who was wifey-able. The list trailed on and on, as my ears pricked, I bid the powers that be that I fall anywhere but last. As they all struggled to draft the final 5 or 3 (or something low like that), I could feel my ears burning, the hairs on the back of my neck prickling, and my mouth go dry as my name was yet to be called out. I honestly don't know WHY I cared so much, but as a teenager, social acceptance is of paramount importance. So there I stood, and there I waited, as the proud selected girls held their heads up high and carried on with their lives...
 Bag : ZARA | Suede Pumps : H&M | Rings : Bonita's | Fur Headband : Primark
...until I heard one of my closest male friends propose my name "come on man" he bid the others to agree. After much protest, my name was firmly fixed in a spot not too low down the list (and I soon breathed a sigh of relief). Only for my brief moment of pride to come crashing down as I overheard this uber-douche whisper mean words about my looks, and levels of attractiveness, bidding others to just leave me off the list completely.  I spoke vaguely about this in my 'Live Your Life' post a solid year ago (so you guys know how I handled it afterwards), but never reflected on the true magnitude that particular occurrence had on my growth as a woman. There I stood, ashamed of my existence, crying inside, but holding my head up with pride. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", but wise words fell by the wayside. I still have vulnerable moments and ugly days, but sometimes all it takes is a mental slap to realise that I'm not a 14year-old awkward looking kid anymore. I've grown into my features, and accepted my flaws.
Everyone looks at me now, and teases about how 'confident' and 'self-assured' I am, but I can testify that the journey here has not been easy; I am yet to reach my destination. Tracing back my steps in this post to how I began, I want to remind you that the list-drafting tradition is yet to go extinct among the male species. Funny enough, I was advocated as a prime candidate this time by said party of the opposite sex, except, his proposal was struck down by another with chimes of "Oh come ON!" That hurt, I wont lie, but the difference is, with years comes experience. I'm older now, and wise enough to recognise that his acknowledgment or approval is of no relevance to my life. After all, if I drafted a list of my own, he wouldn't even be in the running, so why sweat it?
I received a Facebook 'friend request' today, only to click and see uber-douche himself. As I chuckled at the irony of it all, I was moved to draft this post. Seems lists are all the rage again, as another 'hottie list' was also drafted at work, and Lord knows if my male colleagues find me sexually appealing or not (although I hope not, as we work in a law firm, and I'd probably be prompted by HR to file a suit for sexual harassment), cos I sure as hell aint checkin' for them. LOL!!
Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! You cannot be to everyone's taste. In looks, there's no One Size Fits All. Xisses